EXT. GAMER GATES
Wireless game controller in hand, PLAYER rises from the couch and stands awestruck before a set of monumental gates. Their titanic heights part-shrouded in swirling mist, the gates seem alive with iconic videogame characters, leaping and posing for combat, winking and snarling. All else around PLAYER is blank: the couch has disappeared, and there’s nowhere else to go.
(as if recorded message)
Roll up, roll up! Points mean prizes! Do we have a winner? Only the greatest champions admitted, no losers here thank you. Come on if you think you’ve got what it takes. This way please.
GATEKEEPER is suddenly beside PLAYER. He’s bizarrely outfitted and equipped as if just come from a cosplay convention where the aim was to play several characters at once. On one foot he wears a gladiator’s sandal, on the other a footballer’s boot. Over torn jeans are strapped ornate metal shin guards and pistol holsters. A Space Invader motif stretches across his paunch. His jacket belongs to an army General’s uniform: khaki, gold buttons, and rows of medals. From its pockets peep a magnifying glass, a wand, and an inch-thick manual. Above one shoulder of his superhero’s cape points a sniper rifle, above the other a laser-cannon. His right hand is taped like a cage-fighter’s while his left twirls a shuriken. He wears gangster sunglasses and an elvish cap.
GATEKEEPER
A contender, greetings. Let’s see: what’s your final score?
He gestures theatrically towards a giant totalizer, which furiously counts up and eventually stops, after a last-minute correction, at 26, 978, 452, 306, 143 (.9).
PLAYER
Point nine?
GATEKEEPER
You probably missed a collectible. Or collected a missable. ’S quite common.
PLAYER
But that’s a lot, right? I mean, that’s a long number.
GATEKEEPER
Not if we count very small things. We’re fussy, you know, nothing gets past us. Once you round up, it’s actually…
Counter ticks over to 3.
PLAYER
That’s not so impressive.
GATEKEEPER
At least it’s not minus.
PLAYER
So it’s okay, three’s… average?
GATEKEEPER
(grimaces and wavers one hand)
PLAYER
Well what does it mean, then? Is it out of ten?
GATEKEEPER
Just the other day someone got 158. Course, they still asked if they could go round again, to improve their score. Everybody tries that one. Like, do you remember there being Save points, on your birthday? I don’t think so.
PLAYER
So you’re supposed to get as high as possible? This is the number of bonuses you take into the final round, all I’ve got is three, and there’s no way I can win from here?
GATEKEEPER
That’s a new one. Actually no it isn’t, I’ve heard them all before – I demand to see the referee, I couldn’t
complete such-and-such a mission because there was a glitch, where’s my alternative ending – but it keeps me
entertained. When game’s over, game’s over. That’s your lot.
PLAYER holds up game controller and presses random buttons.
Nothing happens.
GATEKEEPER
Er, this is a cut-scene. That won’t work. So if you’d just be so kind, when you’re quite ready, to step this way.
He attempts to usher PLAYER towards a small side-gate.
PLAYER
What’s that? I’m not going through there.
GATEKEEPER
(puffing himself up)
Now now, there’s no need to get awkward.
PLAYER
But it’s ridiculous: you can’t sum a person’s whole life up in a single number. Three?!
GATEKEEPER
Divine simplicity. You wouldn’t believe the amount of work that goes into cleaning that counter.
PLAYER
I worked hard. I can’t believe I didn’t score more than that. I spent years, my whole life… There were always people telling you how you’re supposed to live, but nothing that meant you could really know. How badly designed is that?
GATEKEEPER makes heard-it-all-before faces and merely holds the
side-door open. PLAYER looks around but the main gates remain closed and all else is blank void.
GATEKEEPER
Don’t be shy. You might like it.
PLAYER approaches side-gate and cautiously peers into the blackness within.
PLAYER
(from threshold)
This may be a cut-scene, but I’m telling you, the moment I go through this door, play will resume.
GATEKEEPER
You’re the boss...
Eventually PLAYER exits, and the side-gate closes behind.
GATEKEEPER
And another happy customer. Roll up, roll up! Points mean prizes! Do we have a winner?
FADE to black.